


heal me.

by bissanyeoja



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band), Triple H (Korea Band), Universe - Fandom
Genre: 365 Fresh, F/M, Hyuna - Freeform, Mentions of Suicide, Pentagon, Triple H - Freeform, argumentum ad misericordiam, ease - troye sivan, edawn, hui - Freeform, hwitaek - Freeform, hyojong - Freeform, kimhyojong, kimhyuna, universe - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-14 02:30:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 6,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14760899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bissanyeoja/pseuds/bissanyeoja
Summary: in which a guy who suffers from suinocre disease--a disease that makes the person who suffer from it harm himself in any way, and uses it to perform argumentum ad misericordiam and receive love, care, and affection from others--uses his sickness to be closer to the ones he love, and to relive his fantasies.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey. i know a lot of universes or triple h fans made fics like this and i want to say that i did not copy/plagiarize this. this is purely from my imagination based on the music video and from a plot i made. also i've been thinking about making special chapters but i couldnt get myself to write theses days. i do hope you'll look out for it. thanks.
> 
> ps. this is originally posted on my wattpad account, bissanyeoja, (i included some gifs there from the mv w/c is good i think, since it helps with visualizing) but i decided to move it here to get more exposure.

" **LOOK** at this pathetic asshole, tryna get himself killed again," a lanky guy commented as he looked out the window of his beat-up car. The guy was wearing a worn-out cap and a wifebeater, while huffing his cigarette, a cloud of smoke slithering around him like a snake. "This is the second time I hit you. On this exact avenue. Why do you want to die so bad?"

Hyojong stood up and wiped the blood running down his nose using his sleeve. He shook his head, the corners of his mouth twitching. "You have... _no_ idea."

He cackled as he ran away, feeling the wind on his cheeks. The guy just shook his head at Hyojong, then drove casually away. "Bastard."

Once he was gasping for breath, he stopped and looked up the sky. "Wow...the stars are pretty tonight. Don't you think?" he muttered, as he reached for his phone. A lone purple marble got out of his pocket just before he grabbed a hold of his phone. He watched it roll towards the pedestrian lane.

He advanced towards it and sat. "Ah, wouldn't wanna lose this." He picked it up, but just before he stood up, he heard a female voice just behind him. He looked over his shoulder and saw a blinding light coming from a scooter, which made him wince. Nevertheless, hearing the girl's voice, he smiled.

"What's your problem?" he asked.

"Gosh, how stupid." Hyuna muttered. "I should be the one asking you that, you asshole!"

Hyojong laughed as he walked towards her. She immediately noticed the blood staining his sleeves as soon as he held her hand. She shook her head at him and then made him ride her scooter. "Come with me at home, I'll treat your wounds." Hyojong smiled when he heard that.

Hyuna wounded his arms around her waist and said, "Hold on tight. We wouldn't wanna multiply those scars you covered up with tattoos."

Hyojong nodded as he snuggled closer, smelling her hair. Ah, jasmine and just a tinge of honeysuckle.

-

"O-ow! That hurts!" Hyojong exclaimed. "You're dabbing it too hard!"

"You really are stupid. You're the reason you're in this mess and you had the guts to complain when all I do is help." Hyuna annoyingly snickered, flicking his forehead slightly. "Now, stay put and let me do the work."

Hyojong then faced the mirror and looked at his reflection. A barely visible black eye, a wound right under his eyebrow, a light trail of blood on his nose, a cut on his lip. It feels good seeing himself look like that, but it feels much better to see someone, Hyuna, trying to fix him up.

He felt something in his chest, an unusual feeling, as he played with the purple marble in has hand. He looked at a pair of lonely eyes in the mirror.


	2. Chapter 2

**IT** should've been that way.

_Where are they?_

They should've rescued me whenever I tried to kill myself. They should've been the ones who would always come to help me. No matter how impossible they would always be there--I was creeped out myself, but they just had the ability to know where I am, whether I'm trying to suck the life out of me or not. They would always be there.

But where are they now? Where are the only ones who taught me how to love?

I walked around town wearing just my tattered jeans, and white shirt underneath an old jean jacket. I ran my fingers through my fake blond hair. It's grown so long already. It's been five months since I stopped cutting it to my old hairstyle.

 _What am I looking for again?_ Oh, yeah. Hyung and Nuna. Where are they?

I took a cigarette from my pocket and wound my way towards a back alley and found a perfect place to smoke these three packs. I smiled to myself as I lighted the first one. It _feels_ good, the feeling of smoke filing my lungs and the taste of tobacco and slight minty flavour on my tongue. I just hope these packs of cigerettes are enough to kill me on itself.

_If you want to die so bad, why are you using these cowardly ways to do so? Why are you prolonging your agony by delaying your death?_

Busy huffing my fourth stick, I heard a silent sob. At first, I ignored it, finishing my fourth stick and procedeed to another one, but the sobbing got louder, followed by an irritated male voice. "Shut it, you bitch."

That caught me off guard. I stood up from where I am sitted--and wandered deeper into the dark alley which smelled of rotten food and dead rat. Plastic wrappers and wilted leaves crunch under my feet. There, at the far corner, I can barely make out a shadowy figure of two people making out--or I guess so, because when you don't stare long enough, it looks like the woman's not trying to free herself. But when you do, you can see her struggling against the bastard. I smirked. Maybe this guy's much more pathetic than I am. "Hey," I called out to them, with smoke coming out of my nose and mouth, letting the cigarette I am holding between my fingers burn into ashes.

The guy whipped his head towards me. Hui...? My eyes widened a fraction. When I saw the girl he was assaulting...I droppped the cigarette I was holding. Why am I seeing Hyuna? Why? Why did he have to do this to her? "H-hui...w-why are you..." I couldn't get myself to speak. It's hard.

"What the hell are you talking about, boy?" Hui said. I went towards him and grabbed him by the throat. Blood was pumping through my veins; my vision darkened and I just wanted to beat the hell out of this guy. I can't believe him!

Hyuna shrieked. And then ran away. "Hyuna! W-wait!" I shouted back at her, about to chase her when I remembered I couldn't just let Hui escape.

"What do you think you're doing to Hyuna, you motherfucker?!" I yelled at his face, partially covered by a shadow. I smashed my fist with his face.

I can hear him smirk as he wiped the blood oozing out his nose. "Who's Hui?"


	3. Chapter 3

I am drowning into nothingness.

 _Ha._ Nothingness. I'm sitted at the edge of this ancient tub filled all the way with water. I dipped my finger into the water, gently swishing my fingers in it, I could almost make out my reflection in the water, a fuzzy version of my broken self.

It's so quiet. I can hear the silent dripping of water into the tub. I can hear my breathing. I can almost hear my heart beating against my chest. I can almost, _almost_ hear my thoughts; viscious thoughts eating me up, sadness, happiness, anger, worries, fears.

_Drown. I'm drowning--_

I let my back fall into the water, the water enveloping me into a hug, covering my whole body in a chilling embrace. I hope, sooner or later this water covering my body would turn into _soil_ \--six feet deep. I felt it enter my nose, my mouth, my ears; stinging my eyes--if not for the water I am in I know _water_ would come out of my lids and drown me, too. But not enough to kill me.

 _Not enough_. I closed my eyes and let my lungs be filled with water this time, because I found out cigarettes doesn't do much work; I figured water might do the trick--

Someone pulled me out of water. And then slapped me across the face, water coming out of my nose, making me cough and gasp for air and breathe. _Damn it._

"You psycho." Hyuna spat. Tears. Tears streaming down her eyes again. And it's my fault.

I sighed, head down. I ran my fingers through my hair and said, "Look, Hyuna--"

"If that's how you want it, then!" she pulled my hand and tried to get me inside the tub. "You want to die? Go! Drown yourself! Let yourself get beaten up by gangsters! Feed yourself to the wolves! Jump off a building! You really wanna torture yourself, you bastard? Why don't you want to just get on with it already? So I wouldn't have to _fucking_ see you like this!"

I shook my head.

Ugh, not again.

I opened my eyes and sat on the tub, water running from my head down my neck and chest and down into the tub again.

Why do these stupid lungs still crave for air. Why does this heart still long to beat. Why is my brain still deep into my thoughts. Why is my body still longing to live even if my heart says no. Even if my brain says no.

_Even if I say no._

_Maybe--maybe because they want me to._


	4. Chapter 4

**CRICKETS** chrip.

I groggily walk along the street where Hyuna lives. A dumb asshole tried to break my bones, well, he did it wrong. I just got a sprain. I mocked him all night to get just a sprain? What a wuss.

I winced as I stepped on a rock. "Shit," I cussed. I guess I dislocated it real good. I knocked on the door. A few seconds pass and she's there, standing in front of me, already scrutinizing my whole body.

Automatically, I felt a weird numb feeling on my foot, my legs wobbled and she grabbed me. She looked shocked, her eyes starting to get glassy. She's staring at me as I struggle to keep walking towards her couch. The couch smelled old and looked worn-out, as it always is. I let out an agonizing groan as I laid my back on the couch.

Hyuna stared at me wide-eyed, covering her mouth. "Wh-what happened, Hyojong?" she asked, her sweet voice trembling. She sounded like she's about to cry. I _hate_ it, the fact that I made her feel like this again, but the _love_ I am feeling towards this Hyuna: sweet, caring, worried, and loving Hyuna--is much, much greater.

I managed to smile at her as she kneeled in front of my injured foot. She folded my jeans and checked the sprain. When I looked at it I saw that my foot already looked like it has been repeatedly beaten up by a rock. It looks bad.

I felt a drop of water on my ankle. She's crying. Because of _me_. _I hate it. I hate it so much._

I kept my smile as I saw her trying to aid my sprain. Just then, she said, "I'm going to get some ice, don't move." She went into the kitchen while I wait in silence, staring at my swollen ankle.

"What are you doing here? No one is allowed to enter this house." A guy came inside Hyuna's house. Who is he?

"Then why are you here?" I asked, annoyed. Who is this stupid guy, he doesn't have a right to chase off Hyuna's friends away from her house.

"I am the one in charge in this house, kid."


	5. Chapter 5

**THE** ringing seems to go on and on and on.

If forever does exist then this phone would fucking ring nonstop til everyone's dead. I drummed my fingers against the hard wood of the table I am sitting on, waiting impatiently for him to pick up the goddamn phone. "Pick it up, you bastard."

_"Sorry, the number you have dialed--"_

"Fuck you." I muttered.

I slammed the damn phone on my head hoping damn Hui would hear it and answer the fucking phone. I was gonna ask about that old man right inside her house. Who was that man? I thought she lived alone?

Shit. My hands are shaking and I don't know how to stop it. Anger is fuming inside of me, making me breathe harder. He was _fucking_ in charge now, huh? He always says that whenever I went to her house!

I rammed the phone harder on my head, til I felt like the same spot would bleed. "No, no, no, no..." I whispered with every hit.

I stopped hitting myself when I saw a streak of crimson adorning the pitch-black phone. It's so satisfying to see my blood, coating the phone and my hands.

So I kept banging it onto my head.

Hyuna won't see me now anyways, she won't see how pitiful I am; she won't worry about me, either, because her attention's over another man. That thought alone sent tears springing in my eyes.

_No one loves me._

"Hyuna..." I sobbed, my head down.

Tears of sadness and abandonment flowed down my eyes. Why did you have to do this again?


	6. Chapter 6

**ONE** crazy thought entered my mind: is this phone enough to kill me on its own?

I feel so tired, tired of everything.

I don't want to feel anymore, I don't want to see, hear, taste, or smell anymore. I just want to kill myself until the life and color is sucked out of my pathetic self.

My lips twitched as I slowly wound the telephone wire around my neck, like a snake. I tugged at it, harder, making me gasp and breathe for air but I did not allow myself to do so;

Instead, I taunted myself even more; winding the wire once more as I feel like the veins in my neck would pop--I can feel my throat tighten, less oxygen flowing in my chest, "D-d-damn _it_!"

I saw my pale reflection at a far mirror; my hands into fists; then, I closed my eyes and fought the urge to breathe. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead as I stuggled to kill myself and to breathe.

_"Hyojong,"_

But if I kill myself,

I won't be able to see her ethereal beauty.

If I kill myself,

I won't be able to feel her hands, assuring me.

_"Promise me, alright?"_

If I kill myself,

I won't be able to hear her gentle voice.

If I kill myself,

I won't be able to smell honeysuckle and jasmine.

_If I fucking kill myself right now,_

I won't be able to taste her lips against mine, ever.

_"Don't..."_

With pale shaking hands, I released my hold from the telephone, I can still hear the distant _beep beep beep_ on the other line.

What a coward.


	7. Chapter 7

**I** stared at my reflection in the mirror, a red crayon in hand.

Reddish hues have painted the area around my eyes, like Vincent van Gogh or Picasso just smudged it with shades of crimson and salmon. I distinctly remember someone tell me it's a symptom for some shit but who cares?

The blood has been washed out of my blond hair. It's back to its usual _fucking boring_ color.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

I am still me, wretched. Pitiful sorrow and pain etched in my eyes, an absurd feeling of wanting to die emitting from my whole existence.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

Dumb, stupid, pathetic Hyojong. Useless Hyojong.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror with anger in my eyes.

Clutching the crayon, I crossed out both my eyes on the smooth surface of the mirror; my reflection exactly mimicking my moves. And then, I zagged my reflection's neck repeatedly, desperately hoping it could somehow cut my own. My shaking hands started to drag it back and forth on the mirror, eventually, the fucking crayon split into two.

And then, groaning, I smashed the mirror with my fist.

"Just die already. And then Hyuna will pity you. She will love you more." I whispered, a hint of smile forming on my red lips as I looked at the broken mirror in front of me.

My _natural_ red eyeshadow somehow found its way towards my lips, the red intensifying, the thought giving me _color_.

Blood dripped from my wounded hands, decorating the floor with polka dots.


	8. Chapter 8

**WHAT** am I to do with my damned life?

This question seems to be plastered like some kind of a fucking advertisement inside my head. It's like a neon signage right outside a dark underground bar. It's like a lone star in the night sky. It's like a sliver of light when you are enclosed in darkness. It's like this purple marble I'm spinning in my hand.

This phrase keeps taunting me. I have asked myself that millions of times. "What to do...what to do..." I murmured, spinning slowly to the left while seated on a rotating chair. The cold bites at my skin, even though I lighted a fire and wore my filthy jacket.

"Maybe we should write a song. You can play the piano, right, Hui?" I asked, sending them a side glance. While playing with Hyuna's hand, I saw how her eyes sparked up upon hearing those words. I know how she loves music and dancing and singing.

Hui huffed. "Huh, of course. I can play Mozart and Beethoven, you crackhead."

"Wow, what an egoistic bastard," Hyuna said, rolling her eyes. I laughed at her. My head's starting to formulate lyrics...

"Take me back to the basics...and the simple life..." I muttered.

"Tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease." Hyuna replied, inching towards me with a smile.

" _Ease_? Your touch...is my comfort and my lullaby." I told her. She smiled at me as I placed a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Holdin' on tight...and sleepin' at night." she continued.

She laughed. "You do _realize_ we just made lyrics right now, right?" she turned her head towards Hui, who's at the piano, "Make a tune, Producer Hui!"

Hui sent us a salute and pressed the keys.

But then, my eyes stung with unshed tears.

 

 

_(a/n: lyrics are from Troye Sivan's 'Ease'. if you don't know him then I highly suggest his music!!)_


	9. Chapter 9

**WIND**. It feels really nice to let it touch your skin.

I watched all those cars from fifteen floors up, far-off lights and car's horns. It seems a little envious how everyone's living a good life, while I am here, watching them as if I am in front of a huge television screen.

I wish I brought them here with me tonight. This was our usual relaxation--going up this building undetected and watching all those vehicles down there.

Well, my inner self was planning something, maybe that's why I am here. All alone. Without Hyuna or Hui with me.

I lifted my head up, looking at the stars. "It's pretty..." I said, while feeling the marble inside my pocket. I closed my eyes.

Step.

Step.

Step.

Few steps more.

I felt the edge of the building with my foot.

It's the edge.

Just

one

more

step

"Hyuna, I'm sorry." I murmured. I don't know why, but a tear trickled down my face. I stood there, who knows how long, until I felt the tears dry up on my face.

I started to shiver, feeling the cold air bite my skin, even though I am wearing my usual jacket.

And then I opened my eyes and saw how fucking close I am to what I desire the most. No. No, this is wrong. There are all kinds of wrong in this scenario. For one, it is really fucking cold. And...when I die...

_I want Hyuna to see me._

"Hey kid! Are you fucking crazy? Get back down here!" a voice called out to me from behind. I looked over my shoulder to see Hui. " _Crackhead_!"

I didn't know I am capable of looking back.

I smiled at him. " _Hyung_! Don't worry I just felt like I needed air!" I laughed as I jump towards him, holding a broom. "I knew you'd know I'm here. Where's Hyuna?"

He looked at me as if I'm crazy. "I...don't know?"


	10. Chapter 10

" **HYOJONG** , are you sure you want to do this?" I asked myself.

Actually, I always ask myself that question, and I do it anyway, whether the answer's yes or no. I couldn't kill this drive inside of me, so maybe, _really_ killing myself would.

The streets are deserted at this time of night. Just the occassional passing of a few vehicles, nothing much. I tapped the marble inside my pocket, checking if it's still there, while I look for a place where I can go face to face with a car.

I just hope it is fast enough.

This is it...one of my thousands of attempts. Maybe, this time, I'll succeed.

I stood under the streetlight, while looking up the sky. I don't see any stars around tonight. This night...is a very lonely night. I kept my palm over the marble, hearing the fast-approaching car.

I let my body fall forward, I felt the damn vehicle came in contact with my body; and then I was thrown far, far onto the center of the crossroads. My body rolled and halted to a stop.

I felt scratches all over; the wounds on my hand, which were starting to heal, were opened once again. I couldn't open my eyes.

I groaned. Ugh, I know I'm still alive, because when I tried to stand up, someone grabbed me by the collar and sent me a blow right on my face. I don't know why, but I suddenly felt the urge to laugh at all this nonsense. I can taste blood in my mouth but I couldn't stop laughing.

"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? I almost killed you!" the guy said. My vision's blurry; lights sparked in my eyes as he sent me another punch.

 _"YOU REALLY WON'T STOP TIL YOU SUCCEED IN KILLING YOURSELF, HUH?"_ He said, raging.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME?" I wiped the blood on my lips and nose and tried to face him.

Hui hyung...

He was angry. _So_ angry. At me. "I-I'm sorry...Hui hyung."

"I called an ambulance. Stay here." he said, and then went inside his car, looking at me with annoyance.

"Crackhead." he muttered before driving off. Why did he leave me here?


	11. Chapter 11

**MEMORIES** of last night's encounter with Hui were fuzzy.

I am silently sipping a cup of tea (I didn't mix in some Acetaminophen this time) while reading last month's news paper. And then I thought some lines..."But I can't help feeling like I'm all alone, all alone..."

I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote it all down, while mouthing the words, matching the melody the three of us made. "The truth is, the stars are falling, babe. And I'd never ever thought that I would say I'm afraid of the life that I've made, I've made."

I picked up the phone and said, "Hey, Hyuna. Come pick me up. Tell Hui hyung. Let's go to Parking, yeah?" Without even hearing her say anything, I hung up and dressed up.

They arrived a few minutes later. It seems like the car they're in is here for a while now. As usual, Hyuna's on the passenger seat while Hui drove. The backseat's for me only. "Hey, you know that song we're writing..." I said while swatting off broken glass on the seat. The goddamn owner of this carnapped car sure is reckless.

"What about it?" Hui asked, turning round a corner. Hyuna looked over at me.

"I actually wrote new lines." I said, showing her the paper.

Then, she said, "Give me a pen. I also had a few in mind." I gave her the pen from my pocket and watched her write. She gave the paper back to me and smiled.

I decided to sing it. My eyes skittered over her feminine writing. "But all this driving, is driving me crazy; and all this moving is proving to get the best of me--"

"And I've been trying to hide it, but lately, everytime I think I'm better, pickin' my head up, gettin' nowhere." Hui hyung cut me off.

Hyuna, Hui and I shared a glance. It feels great to hear the song. It gives me a warm feeling.

The marble is digging into my palm as I held the paper.

 

_(a/n: lyrics are still from troye sivan's "ease")_


	12. Chapter 12

**UP** , up, up.

Hui drove nonstop til we reached the top.

In times like this I would normally not be aware I'm making rhymes in my head. It's kinda amusing and funny, actually. Most of the time I'm just staring into space, trying to make some lines but I fail.

I am not aware of the red and blue lights from behind the car, as I leaned over and told Hui to drive faster, higher into Parking, controlling his hand holding the steering wheel. "Are you sure you'll expose our secret place?" I looked at a pair of worried eyes on the rearview mirror.

"Y-yes...I am. So please drive faster. Hui, they're coming." I said, looking out the window. I felt a sense of erratic freedom and thrill. I laughed as I looked out the window and spat.

"Eyes forward! Get in!" The voice...is it coming from outside our car or from Hui's lips? I looked at Hyuna beside me and I saw her eyes pleading...so I sat back and held the gyration.

I frantically waited til we reached the top. "Hyung...noona..." I called at them, sweat forming on my forehead and at the base of my neck.

"You're sure, right? We're together, right?" I asked, as I looked at the marble.

We finally reached.

We screamed our lungs out as we went out of the car, jumping and giggling and dancing like crazy while bystanders surrounded us.

Hyuna placed her arms around our shoulders as we laughed in triumph, the chilly air embracing us. Flashes of white and red and blue lights covered us, like disco lights, like those times we spent at the bar.

We looked at each other.

My heart skipped a beat when I learned to realize. Why did I realize it just now?


	13. final.

" **SIR** , please, just calm down." A female rescuer said, as a few of them hold out their hands at me. Huh. She doesn't know how perfectly _calm_ I am right now, holding Hyuna's icy hands.

I looked down below, seeing an ambulance and more rescuers and even more spectators. I smirked as I clutched the purple marble tightly in my hand. Hui held Hyuna's hand and we stepped up the concrete.

I sang as tears fell from my eyes. I have never _ever_ felt this way before, like my heart swells up, as I look at the two of them.

"I've been lyin' to them all, I don't need it anymore; Don't you worry about me," I faced Hyuna and caressed her face with my other hand.

"I'll be fine _if_ I can breathe, I've been hidin' for too long, taking shit for how I'm wrong, how I'm wrong, always wrong," I finished, looking sideways at Hui hyung.

I couldn't understand what the rescuers were saying anymore. All I hear is the wind whispering in my ears, that all this is going to be okay. We're going to be okay. I don't need these rescuers--I have mine here. Two rescuers are enough for me. I don't need legions of rescuers to be saved. To be healed.

"Heal me," I whispered, my eyes shut.

"You're healed, dummy." Hyuna chuckled.

"Ah, Hyojong. Why didn't you _realize_ earlier..." I heard Hui hyung say, laughing lightly. Even when I am not looking, I know he's shaking his head.

I just smiled at them. Foolish.

I lifted my head up. And then looked at the stars. Why are they tinged with shades of purple...

"They're pretty, right?" I asked myself, clutching the marble between my hands and pressed it into my heart.

"Yeah, of course they are." I answered, before jumping.


	14. note

end: feb. 8, 2018. 7:40 pm. thank you!

 

hi!

this may not have been a hit. and it flopped miserably. but thank you if there is someone who reads this. thank you so much. writing this made me happy, seriously. it served as an escape for when i'm stressed with school shit. lmao. actually i made this on the spot; i felt in love with hyojong as a suicidal maniac in 365 fresh's mv. and then i decided to write a chapter because i couldnt get kim hyojong out of my mind. and then as days pass im like "OMG I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THAT AND THEN SOMEHOW RELATE THIS STORY TO 365 FRESH MV" and yeah heal me was born. ps. Can you please pls pls comment? Let me know if someone reads this? Just an assurance that there is someone who enjoyed my work can make me so happy, really. pps. also, i’ll make special chapter(s?) in the future so stay tuned! hehe.


	15. special chapter - hyuna

**_h_** yuna.  
  


 

 

"No."

Lush carpet tainted with liquor and cigarette ashes. It was suffocating,

how his eyes alone seem to take my breath away

His hands covered in lust

holding onto my arms and tainting my skin with bruises in the shade of purple and brown.

"Stop it--" I struggled against him, but I only got a punch in the gut in return. Tears sprang from my eyes as I winced in pain and fear, fear for my body, for my reputation, for my _life_.

" _This needs to stop_ ," my heart says as I grab hold of his clothing. He pushed me down the salon chair, completely holding my body captive.

_set me free, let me be_

_release your hands from me_

_it hurts me, can't you see?_

"Don't try to stop me now. You need it, right?" he sneered, running his nose along my neck, his hand cupping my breast. I bit my lip, closing my eyes. I nodded, biting my lips to keep me from crying.

I was a deep blue sea. I was filled with bright fishes, as little as a ladybug or as big as an airplane. Corals grow everywhere. I was clean. I was pure. I was innocent.

But not anymore. I was throwed trash on, bags of potato chips and candies, flyers, rotten food and decaying bodies. I was laughed on, as non-dwellers dove into me, ridding me of purity. I am no different than a sewer by the city's sidewalk.

Do I still have my dream? Yes. I do. Jellyfish and dolphins and clownfish still swam inside me, making me forget of everything that's happening to me. But I don't think I still have myself. I can't deny the fact that I contain garbage. I was trash. My body's trash.

"Shave it all?" I asked him, as I adjust his chair.

I can hear him smirk at my question. "Yeah." Then, his hands went from my leg up to my inner thigh, massaging my skin. It sent me goosebumps. I may have been used to it now, of all the men who has touched me, but I am through with it. I am trying to _change_ , using words and melody. I am trying to make my dream come true by myself.

I felt my blood boil. "Get your hands off me!" I grabbed hold of the razor I am holding and tried to pierce him--any part of him, just to protect myself.

He chuckled. "Why? Why are you acting like a _virgin_ when everyone in this avenue knows you're not?" He mocked me, while also watching my hand, still cautious because I still have the razor in my hand.

I don't know what to say to that, though it made my bones feel like jelly. My head's spinning around.

_it's dizzying,_

_please just this once, help me_

_stop my tears from forming_

_and let me forget my suffering_

He took advantage of the situation I'm in and took the razor away from me, throwing it near the door. I looked at it helplessly as it landed with a light _clink_ on the floor. Then, I looked at him as he grinned.

He cornered me at the makeshift vanity, trying to wrap my leg around his hips. I struggled and dodged all the attempt kisses he gives me. "S-stop!"

With all my remaining strength, I pushed him off me. He staggered backwards, shocked of my strength--

In a blink of an eye, his left foot hit the chair's rugged stepping, making him fall backwards, his neck exactly hitting the marble counter's edge. Red spilled from his open wound, his lifeless body at the floor, with his blood pooling around him.

My heart pounded. _Oh, God._ My lips quivered, my lungs contracted as I stared at his misaligned head. _I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to kill him._

I instantly felt an urge to take my button-up off and wipe all of his blood spills. Tears fell endlessly from my eyes as I shakily try to clean the floors up, hoping to see it back to its wood coloured surface.

I stood up when my button-up managed to suck up at least 50% of the blood. Seems as if I'm just spreading it farther. Hysterically, I took his feet and pulled his body little by little, til I reached my basement. I left it there to rot and I locked the door. I can't believe it...

I got up to clean up the remaining blood with soap and water. After disposing it, I just couldn't stay here. I can't. It feels like he's watching me. With that, I ran outside. The neon lights and headlights from motorcycles and cars are completely messing with my eyes.

I turned around a corner, where I emerged at an open road and a car about to run over me. _Yes, please...I can't deal with this anymore._

I didn't feel the car come in contact with me. I opened my eyes to see blinding light. The car's door opened, and a man came into my view. His eyes were different from those who I've met. His eyes were warm and full of pity as he watched me. "A-are you okay, Miss? Wh-why do you have--"

"Please...don't touch m-me." I sobbed. Yes, I am afraid of men. He might make me feel assured right now, but...

"Okay. I won't. Do you need any help?"

He was the first one to say he won't and actually didn't...it made me cry even more. I went up to him and said, "Please. Take me away from here."

He took my hand, blood still underneath my long nails, and made me ride his car. He drove in silence. I want to ask where he's going, but I am too tired. And I feel at _ease_ , getting away from this place, a taste of hell.

"I'm Hui..." he says. "Lee Hwitaek. You?"

"Kim Hyuna..." I croaked. He took the bottle of water at the cup holder and offered it to me. I looked at him, starting to feel scared, but he smiled at himself.

"Can you open it for me, please?" He says, giving me the bottle.

Without a word, I took it from his hand and opened it. The cap cracked. I gave it back to him. He took a gulp, and then handed it to me. What?

"I'm not that kind of guy. I just...make music. I don't do those kind of things," he says, "please drink some water, Hyuna."

He smiled at me and laid his eyes on the road. Hesitantly, I lifted the bottle to my lips and took a sip, followed by a gulp, til I finished the whole bottle. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. If you're bored, do you want me to play my music? It's not that good, but--"

I cut him off. "Yes, please. I also make music like you." I looked up at him. "It's what makes me happy."

He chuckled and inserted a tape in the player. Soft piano and guitar riffs and his voice (I assume) sounds perfect. Is this what he calls not good?

"Is it that bad...?" he asks.

I shook my head. "N-no! I was...just wondering why you're calling this 'not good'...it's beautiful. Are you the one singing?" I asked. Instantly, I felt comfortable with him because of music.

His cheeks turned slightly pink, masking it with a cough. "Um...yes."

"Your voice is pretty. Unusual. Unique. I haven't heard a lot of voices with this colour..."

"Really? Thank you." he says, smiling with his eyes. "I'm curious about your works though...do you write? Compose? Sing?"

"I write and sing...and I rap. A little." I confessed, grasping the scrunched-up paper inside my shorts' pocket. "B-but I left it behind..."

Suddenly, we became quiet, with the music playing softly in the background. "I...did something horrible at home...that's why--"

"I stole this car." He blurted, sending me a side glance.

My eyes widened. What is he trying to say?

"I stole this car from a girl I met at the club. I stole countless other things to pay for my expenses when making music. I plan to run away and...be alone with music. You? Why did you run away? What's that horrible thing you did?" He asked. I was taken aback by his confession. He seems to be in pain but...his love for music is greater than that pain.

"I made myself dirty. Slept with other men. Just to reach my dreams...but I killed a man." I said, the image of the corpse flashing in my mind. Tears start to form again. "I didn't mean to. I was...I was trying to change...I was helping myself. But he...he mocked me. He made me feel bad again. He made me remember the things I want to forget. It's inhumane, but I am happy to see that he died. He deserved it."

"Yeah, he deserved it."

I cried. The car's engine and Hui's voice lulled me to sleep.

 


End file.
